The View From Afar: America for Sale

I had forgotten how many commercials there are in TV in the land of the free and the home of the brave. In the last part of the evening world news you measure stories in seconds, literally, before the commercial break kicks in. Fifteen seconds. Commercial break. Twenty seconds. Commercial break. It’s very impressive.

It seems to me that when I was young A-list actors didn’t do TV commercials. You didn’t see Katherine Hepburn riding a motorcycle selling perfume or Humphry Bogart pimping dress shirts. But today a lot of A-listers are in the bizz. I see three possible reasons. First, they love the product and want us to love it too. They beg to do the commercials. I mean, if I was asked to sell Anchor Steam beer I’d be thrilled. Second, it’s all about exposure. By seeing their faces every day on our TV screens we’ll know who they are when they show up in a movie. Problem is, as they’re breaking down in tears over the loss of a lover all I see is a perfume bottle shaped like a sexual representation of a woman’s or man’s body. Third, they simply want the money. You never can have too much money. You’d think Scarlet Johannsson or Matthew McConaughey had enough dosh. But as we know, enough is absolutely never enough.

Anyway, some of you might remember I’m a night person, which can mean late night TV. I always have my visa card ready because we’re talking deals. Things I want to buy since returning to America:

Belly Fat Pills – Self-explanatory.

Glow Candles – Glow Candles come with a remote with different colored buttons. When you push the red button the candles glow red. Push the yellow button and the candles glow yellow, and so on. Very clever and no more messy wax and fire to deal with.

Christian Mingle – If Roberta leaves me I can sign up for this Christian dating service. They all look so healthy and good. I’m pretty open, but she has to be a real Trinitarian, not a fake. Christian Mingle is no place to compromise. Heads-up gay and lesbian friends. I’m thinking this is not for you, not for you!

Daniel Diet Plan – I’ll buy this before I sign up for Christian Mingle. I’ll get a book and dvd’s where I can watch people with beautiful bodies working out and chanting “My body is a temple that honors God.” (It does remind me of an old Jefferson’s episode. Jefferson was sent into the pastors office to fire him. Jefferson says, and I paraphrase, “God said our bodies are a temples, but you treat yours like a Pizza Hut.” The pastor was more than a little over weight. I wonder if they could still do that joke today.) The Daniel Diet Plan will inspire me with biblical reasons for losing weight. Well, why not? The evangelical preacher who is selling the thing was asked by President Obama to pray at his first inauguration. It’s got to be good. Each pound lost is for Jesus. Or is it Daniel? Whatever. And I can always fall back on the secular Belly Fat Pills if Jesus and Daniel let me down. The good Lord knows I need something.

The WoggleWagGiggle Ball – This is as ball that dogs actually go crazy over. It stops them from eating your sofa when you’re out – honestly, there was a dog eating a sofa on the commercial. It’s has smells and sounds that make dogs, all kinds of dogs, absolutely love it. Unfortunately, they get so excited about the WoggleWagGiggle Ball there is the possibility that they may piss on the carpet. But never mind. They’ll be happy doing it. I really have to get a dog.

All I can say is, “It’s good to be home”.

Copyright © 2015 Dale Rominger