News Rant! ~ September 2013

John Kerry in a speech on why the U.S. should bomb Syria, referred to France as “our oldest ally” and didn’t even mention Britain. The reason is simple. France is ready and eager to go to war shoulder to shoulder with the U.S. while the British parliament told David Cameron and Nick Clegg that Britain would be sitting out on this particular military action. This has caused all kinds of problems.

In parliament the 272 MP’s who voted to bomb Syria are in a state of panic fearing that their penises, real or imaginary, are shrinking (Note to David Cameron: Now is the time to vote on Trident). There is also grave concern in Westminster and the British media that the UK’s “special relationship” with the U.S. has been forever damaged. I personally think people are overreacting. There will always be wars for the U.S. and the UK that will demand collaborations. Just watch and see what happens the next time the U.S. wants to lead the willing into battle.

In the U.S. there is also a crisis of “naming” due to the surreal flip flopping of the special relationship from Britain to France, namely, what the hell to do with Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast? On March 11, 2003 Republican Representatives Bob Ney and Walter B. Jones instructed all three House cafeterias to change all references to French Fires and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast (I have not seen a report on  French Kissing but I’m sure it was forbidden in Congress). Bob and Walter were infuriated that France had the temerity to oppose invading Iraq, which, as we all know, went very well.[1]

But now, with France Blair-like shoulder to shoulder with American and Britain desperately searching for its manhood, what should we do about English Muffins?!

(Note to President Obama: Since chemical weapons are illegal and you and Mr. Kerry find their use immoral and abhorrent, and since the U.S signed the Chemical Weapons Convention in 1993, perhaps it is time to complete the destruction of the U.S. stockpiles of chemical weapons. Surely they are of no use and only undermine the political and moral authority of the U.S.)

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It’s hard not to like Jamie Oliver, our UK food crusaders. He did great things for school lunches, for example. Still, and I know this is heretical, there are times when he can be a bit irritating. Perhaps it is just over exposure. You can’t turn around without seeing his face or hearing his voice or reading about his exploits. And now that he’s become a multi-millionaire, he’s apparently unhappy with the way poor people live, particularly poor people who might have, in his words, a “massive fucking TV”. 

When will the poor learn it is their responsibility to live lives that the rich approve off? Having a massive fucking TV is simply not acceptable, at least not for Jamie. Years ago I went to Nicaragua and El Salvador and one member of our group was a multi-millionaire. She became furious that all those poor people (which meant about 80% of the population) had TV’s and children. Mind you, in those days they weren’t massive fucking TV’s, just little square things with really lousy reception, so maybe they would have been OK with Jamie. But they weren’t OK with, let’s call her, Liliane. And what was with all those children running around, Liliane wanted to know. Surely those people shouldn’t have been having children. And by God she told them so. One member of the group pointed out to Liliane that TV was not only a source of entertainment but also information. But even so, I asked, why can’t poor people have entertainment in their lives? Well, because they’re poor and should be working, Liliane said. But there are no jobs and they can’t claim any land to grow much food or set up a kiosk so TV and sex are about the only things on offer. This went on for days.  

However, I digress. Jamie was also upset this week because young people in Britain don’t work as hard as he did when he was young. Well, here I can agree with Jamie. Young people today don’t work anywhere near as hard as I worked when I was young. I was a massive fucking superman worker, like Jamie. They need to think up a new word for work to describe what Jamie and I did when we were young.

Perhaps it’s time for Jamie to get back in the kitchen,  stop thinking up TV shows and just chill for about twelve months.

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Apparently some Israeli leaders are upset that President Obama has decided to go Congress before bombing Syria. Economics and trade minister Naftali Bennett said: "The international stuttering and hesitancy on Syria just proves once more that Israel cannot count on anyone but itself.”

And:

Military analyst Alex Fishman: "If we find ourselves in a crisis with Iran, no one in the world is going to be prepared to move a single plane on our behalf. At best, we'll receive verbal support."

Cannot count on anyone...At best, we’ll receive verbal support...Oh, really?

U.S. aid to Israel runs at about $3billion a year, 60% military and 40% economic. In addition to this direct aid, Israel gets about $3billion in indirect aid: military support from the defence budget, forgiven loans, special grants. While it is probably impossible to accurately state how much the U.S. has given Israel over the years, a good estimate is that from 1949 to 2001 the U.S. gave Israel $94,966, 300,000, or 100 billion dollars (see Washington Report on Middle East Affairs).

Israel has one of the most sophisticated and best trained militaries in the world, as would the Palestinians if we gave them 100 billion dollars. If Israel wants to go it alone, it can stop taking U.S. dollars. If not, then spare me the dramatics. And Oh, yesterday Israel test fired its Sparrow target missile in a joint exercise with the U.S. navy. The Sparrow series is part of a U.S. funded missile defence system for Israel.  

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(My sincere apologies to the American, British, French and Israeli peoples, to U.S. representatives and senators and British MP’s, to chefs and arms dealers, to all rich people, to Barrack Obama, John Kerry, David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Bob Ney, Vern Ehler, Walter B. Jones, Tony Blair, Jamie Oliver, Naftali Bennett, Alex Fishman and everyone named Liliane, and to all sparrows for naming a missile after you. That should cover it.)

Copyright © 2013 Dale Rominger

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[1] “On August 2, 2006 the House cafeteria menus were silently changed back without any announcement. The changes came about by new House Administration Committee Chairman, Vern Ehler, who replaced Ney following his resignation due to a scandal. When asked about his decision, Ehlers responded, ‘It's no big deal... It's not news.’ When asked about his opinion on the "freedom fries" episode, Jones responded, ‘I wish it had never happened.’” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_fries